Please find the first part of my rape here:

Part Two of my rape

Despite my inability to hold back my tears, I thank God I’ve never been able to cry loudly. You know what I’m talking about, some people cry really loudly, there’s absolutely nothing with it, but that’s just not me. The minute I began to cry, he moved closer to me and began to try and comfort me. He hugged me and said:

“Don’t do that, think about it this way, your problems aren’t that serious, there are people out there that are dying of hunger.”

He hugged me, and then he tried to kiss me. I got upset and asked him seriously? Looking back now, it was at that moment that I should have thrown him out. I should have physically gotten up and opened the door and demanded him to leave. I can’t tell you why I didn’t do that, all I remember is feeling very tired and weak. I don’t mean fatigued like from crying, I mean I was physically and emotionally drained. The next thing I knew, he was on top of me. I can’t tell you how he got me to lie on my back, or how he managed to get the better of me, but he did.

I felt his hands holding my thighs; it felt like a shovel of hot coal was being pushed against my thighs. I tried to get up, I tried to push him away, well it felt like I tried, but alas my hip had failed me. I remember thinking, I did this. I told him how to plant his flag on me. When I opened up about my hip replacement surgery, I told him the precise nature of my problem, I told him about my limited range of motion, and with my own mouth, I had signed my own death warrant. The minute he got a hold of my legs, he had the power and he knew it. He knew that as long as he held onto them, I couldn’t kick him or fight him. Like a moth flying towards the light, the demise of my virginity was nigh.

He held onto to my right hip very tightly and forced it to move into the correct position. In those days, my hip was very stiff, so the position he was forcing it to be in, would be natural for many of you, but for me, it was aberrant and extremely painful. Let me try and paint a picture of how intense that pain was, imagine you sprain your ankle, then as you trying to recover someone comes along and forces your ankle into an unnatural position. You try to free yourself from their grasp, but the more you try, the more pressure that’s placed on your ankle, and therefore, the more excruciating pain you feel; that’s the pain I was experiencing. Then couple that pain, with the image of a rapist on top of you grinding away at my hymen. I couldn’t see him properly, as I said earlier he is significantly shorter than me, but I did see his head popping up.

The minute he put his penis inside my vagina, my whole body went numb and into shock. I lost all feeling and completely detached my spirit and soul from my body. I had an out of body experience.  I watched each and every second of him violating me. I lied there, motionless, unable to fend off this predator, all I could see were tears streaming down my cheek. I saw the tears but I couldn’t feel them. Those tears symbolised my power as a human being diminished.

My spirit tried to awaken my physical form. It began to scream at its body:

Scream bitch! Scream! I tried to move my lips but they wouldn’t cooperate. I then yelled at my body, fight him, move him, do something, don’t just lie there. I tried to gain the strength I needed to fight him, my soul tried to gain entry back into my body, but another spirit had already conquered my corpse. His demon spirit had occupied my flesh and there was nothing I could do to stop him.

With every motion, my body got benumbed. My soul became heavier and my body became lighter. In those moments he violated me, I felt my spirit die and my faith disperse.  After he was done, he said:

“we need to  get you the pill.”

This git hadn’t even bothered to protect himself!!! There were fucking condom dispensers all over this residence!!! Those words ‘we need to go get the pill’ kept ringing in my soul all night and for nights to come. Those words symbolised the death of my virginity, my innocence and my rights as a human being. 

That ladies and gents, was how I was introduced to adulthood. This was also the beginning of my rape trauma syndrome!

For those of you (because believe me I know from my experience, you do exist) that believe I deserved this because I let him into my room or think because I did not scream or fight I gave him informal consent. Well here’s what I have to say to you,  sex requires informed, verbal and not coerced consent from each sexual partner. If your partner is too young, that’s rape, if your partner is unclear about your intentions, that’s rape, if your partner is incapacitated or and of unsound mind, that’s rape. Basically, if your partner cannot willingly and free say yes to sex, DO NOT DO IT, THAT IS RAPE!

Sex for me meant, the intertwinement of two bodies and souls.  It is not a mindless activity that one party decides consent on behalf of another, neither is it a right for any boy! (yes boy, because no man forces himself onto any person!! It doesn’t increase your masculinity it only diminishes it).

For those of you that believe that I just got confused after giving formal consent (Because I’ve had two female law students say that to me). It never ceases to amaze me how educated, ignorant idiots like you, continues to roam the earth. Anyway my response to such individuals is:

“Rape is a violent crime in which a person commits a sexual act without formal or informal consent. Consent: to agree to something, give permission or say ‘yes’ when you understand what is being asked of you and when you are not forced or deceived into giving consent.” (Rape Crisis Cape Town trust, 1992:-4-6).

Now, my understanding of formal consent is when a person willingly indicates verbally that they wish to have sex with you. Informal consent is a physical indication of consent through open and positive response to sexual advances. NOW I MUST EMPHASIS ANY PERSON CAN CHANGE THEIR MIND AND REFUSE YOUR ADVANCES AT ANY TIME. No person has the authority to steer you ship/ destiny without your consent!!

In addition, most rapes are committed by people you know, that makes it violating, hurtful, confusing and evil.

Now, I thank God that my battle was a mental battle and I wasn’t harmed badly physically. Unfortunately, because I did not know better, I cleaned myself and discarded away the evident as soon as I could.

I need you to understand that every fibre of my being had been engrossed in my rapist bile. My vision was blurry and I was suffering from inner turmoil. Even the sweet, sweet smell of Dettol couldn’t cleanse my soul, mind, spirit or body; as far as I was concerned I was a walking corpse!

AFTER BEING RAPED, YOUR FIRST PRIORITY IS TO GET YOURSELF TO SAFETY. Once you are in a safe place, try and call a friend, loved one or family member, or a helpline and IMMEDIATELY SEEK MEDICAL ATTENTION! THE FIRST 72 HOURS ARE CRUCIAL!

Lastly, I didn’t get the opportunity to file charges, due to various reasons. However, that does not mean that you can’t do so. Please feel free to check out this link:

This will inform you on exactly what to do if you are raped.

In conclusion, I’m really hoping and praying that this blog post helps someone out there.

At the Rape Crisis Centre in Cape Town, my therapist used to tell me,  DON’T HIDE, SPEAK OUT!

I SAY SPEAK OUT AND BREAK FREE! For God is your father, and he alone knows your heart. Let no one persecute you, as they too will lay down in front of our father!





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